Dear Diary: I've had this weird feeling...

I think I’ve entered a new phase of life.

I sit here, with my tanned legs propped up on a chair, on the messy screened in back porch of my in laws beach condo. I can’t take one step without feeling the grit of sand on at least one of my toes, which is something I guess I’ve” learned to live with.”

Learned to live with, ha. “That’s a stretch,” I think to myself, as I can hear the beautiful sounds of birds chirping to the background of the ocean waves. It’s a privilege to be able to escape to this little slice of heaven several times a year, so something that normally would bug me like the sensation of sand against my foot while walking through the house, usually doesn’t even cross my mind when we’re here. In my immediate view are the palm trees so perfectly planted and never failing in their beauty. In the horizon I can see the ocean. Beyond that, is the faint sound of the first Puss in Boots movie I can hear my daughters watching just beyond the sliding glass doors.

It’s Saturday. Wes was out here earlier with me and we listened to the rain fall as he read his latest Golf magazine, played his Nintendo Switch, and caught up on The Masters. I dove in to my second book of the trip (if you know me, this is HUGE news) and have only stepped inside to get snacks or to change the laundry over. We’ve been here, at the beach, since last Saturday. Today is the first rainy day we’ve had, so needless to say it’s really the first time we’ve - in every sense of the word - chilled.

Earlier, my oldest daughter joined me on the porch as she read a few chapters from her “Diary of an Ice Princess” series. She doesn’t like silently reading, yet, so I somehow manage to stay focused on my book while she joyfully reads hers. By the way, I’m reading “Beach Read” by Emily Henry and by the time I publish this post, there’s a good chance I’ve already finished it. (Again, if you know me, basically what I’m saying is that history is being made on 2023 Spring Break).

Our youngest daughter moseyed out here on the porch to play on her iPad (that lasted about 20 minutes), and since then has gotten into all sorts of “projects” — but nothing detrimental. I mean, I only had to give her one bath during this time so I call that a win. Our spunky ‘lil PJ is a professional mess maker, but Lord she never ceases to surprise me. Speaking of her, would you believe it if I told you she is also the one who likes cleaning up?! It’s almost as if she creates these messes ON PURPOSE. Ha! Just to give herself another project to work on/clean up. I swear… but the moment she gives you that look — you know the one I mean… she can do no wrong. She’s also proudly accompanied me to the laundry room several times today and loves nothing more than to help me. I think it makes her feel important, and I remember our oldest doing this around the same age. I love it.

I just put another load of laundry in the dryer, grabbed a mini coke and a string cheese, came back outside to start another chapter in this book I can’t put down, when, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’ve entered a new phase of my life.

I’m no longer in panic mode.

I’m not just “surviving.”

I am not constantly afraid that one of my children is going to accidentally hurt themselves or that chaos is going to ensue the moment I turn my head.

Now, things are certainly not easy. Accidents still happen and chaos still ensues but it is a totally different level of panic and worry when your kids start to be able to handle themselves.

You may be reading this, especially if you have younger ones still, thinking “wow - she’s got it made.” But let me tell you something,

I was not prepared for this.

I repeat:

I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS.

I thought this would come a few years from now. And this feeling… its eerie. I don’t love it and, truthfully it makes me feel uncomfortable.

In fact, for the last few months I’ve had this aching feeling that I didn’t know what to do with. Almost like a longing for something, but I couldn’t pinpoint it. Those feelings started to manifest into thoughts of moving locations or needing to travel more or filling some weird void somewhere, somehow.

A few weeks ago, I realized I’ve had this feeling of suffocation I can not describe. I’ve never had it before, even in our little 1000 square feet home with babies, toddlers, and no bedroom doors… I’ve never felt like this.

I know what anxiety feels like, stress, depression, etc etc etc. But this? This was different. This IS different, actually, because I am still processing it.

I am so thankful that this trip timed out like it did, because truly, I had gotten to a breaking point. But this sudden break away from reality has given me so much time to think and process and just be.

So, like I said earlier, this is what I’m coming to terms with: I am entering a new phase of life.

I no longer have the constant distraction of my toddlers (even when they were in daycare, it was hard to stay focused because LIFE) to bury myself in. I can’t hide behind them anymore. I’m forced to sit with my thoughts. I’m forced to just be. I’m forced to have real conversations with all of the humans in my life. When I say forced, I mean I no longer have any excuses for things holding me back. I don’t think I really knew I was doing this over the last 7 years, but, I kind of did. So, life now is kind of “forcing” me to not hide behind the stresses of parenthood.

Part of why this new phase has been SO hard for me to accept is because… I don’t want it to end. I have loved being able to prioritize my kids over my own needs. As messed up as this may sound, I think I have loved having an excuse to abandon myself. I have loved and still love having a purpose. That hasn’t changed, but it just looks different because I am not tending to a baby or a toddler. I know this sounds weird but motherhood is the craziest combo of learning that having multiple, hypocritical feelings all at once is completely possible and normal.

Parenthood hasn’t gotten easier necessarily since the kids have gotten older, it’s just different. It takes a toll on me emotionally and mentally, in a cmopletely different way.

The easiest way to describe it is this:

I used to be in such a constant state of survival that I’d go 3 days without a shower and not even realize it. Now, 80% of the time the kids are sleeping through the night which means most nights I am also sleeping through the night, which means I am getting up on time in the morning and can get myself ready, whether it be a shower or one of my world famous “work baths” (in January, I started taking baths super early in the morning and found that if I start my day that way, I get ahead of everything and am so much more productive throughout the rest of my day. I never liked baths before this. They were too boring. Then I found a bamboo bath tray that fits my laptop and I’m golden).

I mentioned earlier that on this trip I’ve already read one book and now about to finish a second. I kid you not… I have not read a full book since probably 2012. Most of that is due to my severe ADHD, but a lot of it has also been parenthood. And work. And life. And stress. Agh. So so so much stress.

Honestly, I have no clue if any of this made sense but writing is one of my greatest joys. If you can relate to any of this, let me know.

I’m going to gather my things now, close my laptop and go make sandwiches for the family - we leave tomorrow so we have to eat all the things in the fridge! Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!

PS - I feel so much more settled after processing how I’ve been feeling an actually taking a real vacation from work this past week.

Until next time… xoxoxo